Got an email today notifying me that my SAT scores will be out be 12th Feb. Ooh, the anticipation.

__________________

I think its at this time of the year when the stars somehow align in funny ways or the breeze brings along with it renewed hopes and expectations (black holes and revelations) when I find myself asking myself many many many weird questions and I do alot of soul searching and postulation. The what ifs, what might bes and what the hells all come out at the same time, leaving not further clarity but confusion instead. Sometimes I wonder if IB is all i'm living for, if that 45 is all that matters. Sometimes I think I should just take the plunge and go for it, not caring what friends/ family/You would do/think/say. What if I told you I liked you, what would you do? What would I do? Same time same place same me, different person but still the same vicious spiral down down down. I guess and tweak and test the scenarios and still can't come to conclusion so I think I'll just ignore for it now. The status quo is fine and one should not rock the boat when one can't swim. I'll just wait until later. But is later too late already. And 'no' is such an easy, oh-too-easy word to say. Funny how things always end up this way, but I forsee more changes, more decisions, more provisional conclusions in the near(er) future.

_______________

I self-censor too automatically, even an attempt at a steady stream of words as-they-come seems planned out. Hmmm.

I'm surprised at how many people read my blog.

Egad.

I should be doing SAT questions now...everyone around me seems to be mugging really really hard for it. Then again, I think I'll just wait until tomorrow.

The Chairman thing is really starting to bother me. I think the whole grey/black/red/transparent/pink/anything but black class jacket/t-shirt thing this morning is irrefutable proof that I am a lousy leader. Seriously, I don't handle the whole "leadership" thing properly...the need for me to have everyone happy is debilitating when it comes to making a decision; democracy just doesn't work very well when I'm concerned. I'm way more comfortable in the role of a subordinate and a follower, and I'm more effective receiving instructions, as opposed to giving them. I'm great at running over to estate and getting the class keys or doing things like buying cards and remembering birthdays, but impossibly pathetic at providing a plan or a direction for a group of people. I suppose the role of chairman is largely one of a figurehead, a representative of the class, but my perfectionist nature won't allow me to continue holding on to the post when I know someone else could be doing a much better job than I am. I'm afraid I just can't provide the kind of vision or authority one would look for in a class chairman, and you guys deserve better.

At this point I would also like to apologise to my Life Sciences Symposium team last year for being a generally crappy person over the course of the entire thing and also being incredibly sloppy in getting the post-activity administration tidied up. It was my fault that alot of things were left last minute, thus making everyone stay back and rush through the setup during the last few days. If there's one thing I (should have) learned, I really don't handle power and responsibilty well. Ohyeah, and the Literacy Camp at Chiangmai last year was quite a mess too. If I didn't have an amazing team of people to help me in the planning and execution the whole thing would've just crashed and burned (it almost did).

Why oh why did you guys nominate me for this role in the first place? Whyyyyyyyyy :(



Sad Sat Set.


The Pretender by the Foo Fighters

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in... again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole... defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

O-Kay!

Keep the Status Quo. I could live with this :)
But regret? Hm. Still, I liked today.

5 days back & forth back & forth and now
I CAN DO THIS! :D




On a side note, the Foo Fighters are damn awesome!

No good reason to start now.
No good reason to stop.

I need to stop thinking so much.

Spinning intricate webs of situations and names and places and faces I might never see or touch or hear.


HIDDEN TEXT! :D



Don't think just do don't stop keep walking.
I can see clearer now

"...Sometimes I wish I could just say what I mean...Sometimes it just isn't right...But most times it feels as though the memory of what never was would always be sweeter than anything that could have been..."

-Kazu Kibuishi
"The Orange Grove"
Flight, Vol.2

I catch myself everytime I begin to fall. Its just not the right place or the right time or the right situation, and there's really nothing I can do about it.

In some other life,perhaps.



Each time it gets harder and harder to catch myself, your gravity keeps drawing me into a vicious cycle, a downward spiral of certain doom

if ever I were to gently land in your arms.

Ain't No Sense in Love by Take That

I'm afraid of the morning
I'm afraid of the light
You should come with a warning
You should be wearing a sign
That says you're beautiful trouble
So you better beware
One look and I was in right over my head

Oh this misery
There's no place on earth I'd rather be

You're not the one I need
You're just the one that I want
Makes perfect sense to me
You're not the one I need
But you're the one that I want
Ain't no sense in love

I try to stop myself
So many times
But I keep falling over
I keep crossing the line
The heart of a gypsy and the soul of a stone
It's just a matter of time before you leave me alone

Oh sweet misery
Fill my heart up and pour it all over me

You're not the one I need
You're just the one that I want
Makes perfect sense to me
You're not the one I need
But you're the one that I want
Ain't no sense in love

It's not logical
That's the way I feel
(It's not logical, psychological)
It's heaven underneath my skin
But it's hell out here
It's hell out here
It's no sense in love

Cause you're not the one I need
You're just the one that I want
Makes perfect sense to me
Cause you're not the one I need
But you're the one that I want
Ain't no sense in love
This is the one that i want
Makes perfect sense to me
Ain't no sense in love

No sense in love
_______________________________________


Time for SAT Prep. Ah, the Pursuit for Perfection.